when the feeling is gone...

you read it right. i was not pertaining to the song if the feeling is gone. kasi dun sa kanta, they're in a relationship. i wasn't.

maybe, the feeling wasn't strong enough. that even if i saw you in my dreams that night, i didn't even care to write a note about it, like i always do when we see each other. nope. not this time. maybe because it was just a dream and not a personal encounter. but that dream made me happy for a while. OR NOT. minutes after posting this, i saw what i was looking for. that note describing what happened to THAT dream. WTF brain? asjfkhg

maybe i was just in a middle of nowhere waiting for some light to shine on me. and there you were... in my dream. scumbag brain.

instant inspiration. made me smile. made me read all the notes i wrote about you. made me reminisce those moments, from the first time we met til the last one. and up until now, one question bugs me: were you really my classmate in that class or you were just there to court a classmate of mine? i still don't know and i have no way of finding out.

it's been months, almost half a year, from the last time i saw you. you were still chubby back then. now that you've become so athletic, with the running and triathlon, wow on that, i have not seen you. not even a glimpse. i have no idea what your hair looks like or if you're still wearing shirts and basketball shorts with that black backpack of yours...i have no idea what you look like now. but i know you're still awesome. and you can never get ugly, this i know.

from that dream onwards, you made me lose my sanity. i was inspired, dressing up as if you'll see me where i work. i was hoping you'd get off a bus anywhere near i work just to see you so... hello there stupidity. knowing something new about you made me happy. then i became jealous of the girls around you. that one simple tweet REALLY ruined a week. more tweets from the same person meant war. and a lot of rationalization afterwards... all of them are just SISSES and you were the older brother... this convinced me. how foolish. everything seems so stupid now. but back then, two years ago when i started this shit, i was convinced that there's no way i could stop whatever it is i am feeling for you. and now it's gone. just like that.

not really just like that. maybe days or weeks. days or weeks of hoping i could bring back the spark. but i failed. like the spoon in the university, it can not be found. i made my self believe that there's still a little more, when there's none. maybe this is my reality check. maybe it's time to stop.

til the very end, i was hoping to see you around campus. i went there a couple of times but i didn't even see your hair, or your back like i always do. nada. as i stroll around campus, i still remember the times i saw you in those places. as i ride the jeepney, i'm still hoping that you'd be one of the passengers. i'm doing this even in the bus terminal! crazy!

tomorrow you'll be running, like a boss. and you'll be so close that i can go there, be a complete creep and catch even just a glimpse of you. but no, i won't be there. because this thing was never real in the first place. i was never even convinced that i'm your type, that you'll bother to even look at me. like what i said before, you were out of my league. we live in different worlds even before we met. i guess i just have to admit that. 

before this post gets too long, i'm saying goodbye. 

but the real test is when i see you again -- it's either i fall head over heels with you AGAIN or just ignore you completely. let's see...